Guest Post: 10 Hilariously Horrible Facts About Dating in Your 30s

I tried it all. No, seriously: I’m pretty sure I have been to every useless and anxiety-provoking date I could ever think of. And oh Lord how mortifying that is. In your 30s, you somehow find out that dating can be extremely awkward, especially when everyone around you is already married and with children. Here are 10 things I learned about dating when you are a 30-something awkward guy. 

1. Sexy cougars are mythical creatures: Do you remember the series with unrecognizable now Courtney Cox where she dates a younger man? Well, in real life women seldom prefer younger guys to experienced alpha-males. My youthful attitude annoyed as much as ten 40-somethings. Great work, media! Aside from being lonely, I am now disappointed and abused.  

2. They use strange names in online dating profiles: When you use location-based dating applications instead of high-profile sites like DatingBrides, odds are you are about to meet such strange people as MissPudding91 or _BaRbIeDoLl_. As you may have guessed, both of them looked as great as Joan Rivers for the last decade. What’s the deal with calling yourself something you are obviously not?  

3. Sex is the new acquaintance: I know that going for the same patterns is one of the worst ideas ever. However, love stories between me and my latter significant others (two of them, yeah) followed the timeline where sex appeared much earlier than the phase of actually knowing each other sufficiently. Maybe women use good sex as the indication of possible relationship success? Well, then it’s quite clear why I’m still single.  

4. Everyone is married: You may remember the scene from the first movie about Bridget Jones where she stayed for the dinner with several couples, being the only single person in the room. Congratulations – if you are dating in your 30s, you are that Bridget awkwardly sitting with those basic and monstrously self-absorbed couples. They are everywhere, judging and being bloody envious of your pitiful freedom.  

5. You always date someone’s ex: I have heard hundreds and thousands of hours of someone talking about their exes. The emotional baggage they carry and generously shower you with is ubiquitous, up to the point where I was called a better version of my girlfriend’s ex. Well, screw you, Jenny, I am always a poorer version of myself and not someone else’s replacement!  

6. They have kids: No, don’t get me wrong. I am absolutely fine with people being child-free or loving their offspring more than life. But it crushes me thinking that if I want to date this girl, I have to become her kid’s dad. I STILL BUY CHOLOCATES FOR DINNER FOR GOD’S SAKE. Let me be immature a bit longer!  

7. Swiping: Everyone knows what Tinder is. If not, here’s the most important thing about it – you swipe profiles right if you find them attractive and swipe left if not. One time in a bar, I approached a group of girls, and one of them, clearly out of my league, looked at me and said monotonously, “I swipe you left”. As much as I was humiliated in front of her giggling friends, I retreated with a pleasurable understanding of my intellectual superiority.  

8. The concept of being still single: What’s the deal with calling me still single? Still compared to what? To my future committed to someone self? I’m pretty sure that guy isn’t anywhere near appearing in this miserable world. And I’m totally okay with that unless someone pronounces that magical still. Somehow it freaks the crap out of me.  

9. Experience is your greatest enemy: At some point, you start to believe that blondes are bitches and that every ex-boyfriend is always better than you are, regardless of the relationship you have now with that girl. My experience is my greatest burden, actually micromanaging every step I do in the dating pool. Don’t listen to it!  

10.  30 is the new 40: The worst and the best thing about the modern era is that everything is moving much faster. What was omnipresent in 40-somethings several decades ago is now the things I see in people of my age. Therefore, a part of my friends is sitting home taking care of their children and paying too much for their yoga classes while the other part struggles to prove to themselves and everyone around that they are still young. Ah, what a hilariously horrible époque!